And yet, due to that same shame, many gay men feel unable to talk openly about their desire for condomless sex (which, of course, can be perfectly safe if negotiated in a mature and rational fashion). And perhaps some gay men are simply fatigued by the vigilance they are expected to maintain during sex, after years of being stigmatized as a group at risk for HIV infection-for these guys, removing a condom can feel like removing a yoke of fear and shame. Some tops can’t maintain an erection while wearing them. But few actually like the feel of them, top or bottom. Condoms are still acknowledged as a best practice, especially for bottoms, who bear a higher risk for contracting HIV.
In my experience, nearly everyone is afraid of STIs, and the specter of the AIDS epidemic still lingers (if more faintly, in the age of the HIV-prevention treatment PrEP). Understanding this requires first grappling with gay men’s fraught social psychology around condom use. But I do want to expand our definition of the act, which in practice comprises a range of situations that exist all along the spectrum of consent, many of them more complicated than an outright trick or violation. Lest you think that “shrug” means I’m condoning sexual assault, let me be clear: I don’t want to make apologies for stealthing.
